You don’t need to answer this question unless you want to. This is actually a question for me. Why am I afraid of love?
For the longest time, I associated having feelings for someone to weakness. Actually, scratch that, even I know that feelings are totally normal. I would associate being truthful about your feelings for someone to weakness. God forbid if anyone ever knew I liked a boy (I say boy because I am referring to my young teenage self). As I grew older and left my teenage self behind, I became more accepting of the natural need to want romantic love but I still wasn’t able to bring myself to ever say “Yes, I want to love and be loved and I am going to do something about it now” publicly. For one reason or the other, searching for love didn’t look cool to me. It screamed DESPERATE and I didn’t want to be screaming that. So I pulled myself away from that, focused on other things like school, friends, family, and internet (sadly).
But now I got to a point where I’m seriously wondering what on earth was going on in my head, sort of still going on in my head. What is so embarrassing about wanting a long term commitment? What is so desperate about acknowledging that love is essential to humans? You say you want to have a fulfilling marriage sometime in the future but you won’t take the step to initiate this search?
Who knows why this is what it is? Is it my mother who put it in my head to stay away from boys all the way through high school and sixth form to the point where I started getting unhealthy thoughts about love? Or is it something deeper, like something to do with self-esteem, you know everyone’s favourite go-to diagnosis when you are feeling negative.
The world tells us to go out there and find your better half but it isn’t that easy when you can’t even come to admit that you want them.
So what should I do? Take the advice and join the masses of singles wanting a relationship or procrastinate and hope that things work out in the end? My heart says the former but my head says the latter. Let’s hope this time it doesn’t end with head over heart…